Mom judgment. It’s an U-G-L-Y thing. I really had NO idea about this crazy, intense, opinionated world until I became a mom myself. No one told me that moms wage all out wars on topics such as crying it out, what you feed your kids, and breastfeeding, but oh my goodness do mamas get a little crazy when it comes to this stuff. Lately it has gotten much uglier, too. With stories in the news like the little boy who fell into the gorilla pit and the absolutely tragic story of the boy killed by an alligator at Disney, there have been the most hateful, judgmental reactions. People are jumping to cast blame on the parents and especially the mamas, and that is just so sad to me.
About six months ago I was taking my two-year-old and 9 month old to the grocery store. I was not in a hurry or particularly distracted, and we run errands like this pretty much every day. As I was loading my baby into her car seat, she squeezed the packet of fruit she was eating all over herself and the car. I buckled her top straps and stopped to clean up the mess. I then loaded my son into the car and left for the store. On the way, our painter called, and as I was talking to him, I heard yelling and crying from the backseat (nothing out of the ordinary in my car.) I got off the phone and turned around as my two-year-old yelled, "sister Annie is standing on her head!" To my horror, Annie was not only out of her carseat, but she was on her head in between the seats with her feet in the air. I absolutely panicked and (thank the Lord) was able to pull into a turn lane, jump out of the car and load her back in. I am pretty sure I was still shaking hours later.
In the chaos of cleaning up the mess, I had forgotten to finish buckling Annie's bottom straps, and she had wiggled out of her seat. How could I have been so careless? What if I had gotten in an accident? What if she had flipped over the seat and seriously hurt herself? I shouldn't have been talking about paint colors; I should have been paying attention to my babies. Not my finest moment as a mom. Thank the Lord, no one was hurt, and luckily for me there was no one to witness this moment (well until now.) Had something happened to my precious baby, I can only imagine the reactions. "What kind of mom doesn't buckle her child into the car seat?" "I bet she was on her cell phone." Well, I was on my cell phone. I did make a mistake.
Look, the judgement coming from non-parents is one thing, because let's be honest, when someone without a child shares an opinion on something they would "never" do, I just have to laugh. I used to be one of those judgy non-parents staring at screaming kids in public, and then God gave me Cole. Nothing will break you down and make you realize you have no idea what you are doing like the most strong-willed child in the universe that loves a good public scene. What really bothers me though, is the moms judging other moms. It is hard enough as it is.
I don’t think it has always been like this either. I am pretty sure our moms just did things the way they wanted to do them and didn’t really give a darn about anyone else. I don't think my mom was sitting around wondering if other moms were judging her because she was feeding us Kraft macaroni out of a box (I can still taste that deliciousness, by the way. My poor kids have to eat the Annie's organic stuff.) I also don't think that when a child got hurt, the first reaction was to blame the parent. When I was 10 and jumped out of a tree and hit my head, I can still remember my sweet neighbor running up my driveway to help. She was on a walk and saw the knot on my head and immediately offered to watch my little brother while my parents took me to the ER. There was no, where were the parents? Was her mom even watching her? Instead it was, HOW CAN I HELP?
Unfortunately, times have changed, and social media has brought with it a whole new level of awareness. While it can be a wonderful way for moms to stay connected (I seriously LOVE seeing pictures of my friends' babies), with this new awareness has come some serious judgement and negativity. A friend of mine was recently struggling with quitting breastfeeding because it just wasn't working for her and her baby. She was agonizing and crying many tears over this decision, and it just happened to be breastfeeding awareness month. She said there were only like a million articles talking about the benefits of breastfeeding just mocking her on her newsfeed...as if it wasn't hard enough.
So where does this leave us? We live in a different world today, and we know more and see more, and sadly, there will always be judgmental people. There will be people hiding behind their computer screens with ugly things to say. There will be moms posting articles on the best food to feed your kids and the sunscreen that isn't poisonous (don't even get me started.) So, the question should really be, as moms, what can do for other moms? A few months back, I was leaving Target and Cole was having an epic tantrum, and it was so bad, I could barely load him into the car. Another mom noticed the commotion and walked up to me. She asked how she could help me and said she had been there, told me I was doing a great job staying calm, and then offered to return my cart for me. I will truly never forget her kindness.
I ask you mama friends, what would it look like if as moms we all responded like that? Here is the thing; whether we believe in cryng-it-out or co-sleeping, breastfeeding or formula feeding, organic all the time or Chick-fil-A every day...WE ALL LOVE OUR KIDS AND WE ARE ALL DOING THE VERY BEST WE CAN. We need to stop the judgement. We need to remember we all make mistakes...lots of them. Who knows better than other moms how gosh-darn hard it is. We need to say more, "You are doing a great job" and less, "I would never..." We need more, "I've been there, too" and less "How could she?" I think most importantly, we need to remember to simply ask, "How can I help?" I think that would be a really good place to start.
About six months ago I was taking my two-year-old and 9 month old to the grocery store. I was not in a hurry or particularly distracted, and we run errands like this pretty much every day. As I was loading my baby into her car seat, she squeezed the packet of fruit she was eating all over herself and the car. I buckled her top straps and stopped to clean up the mess. I then loaded my son into the car and left for the store. On the way, our painter called, and as I was talking to him, I heard yelling and crying from the backseat (nothing out of the ordinary in my car.) I got off the phone and turned around as my two-year-old yelled, "sister Annie is standing on her head!" To my horror, Annie was not only out of her carseat, but she was on her head in between the seats with her feet in the air. I absolutely panicked and (thank the Lord) was able to pull into a turn lane, jump out of the car and load her back in. I am pretty sure I was still shaking hours later.
In the chaos of cleaning up the mess, I had forgotten to finish buckling Annie's bottom straps, and she had wiggled out of her seat. How could I have been so careless? What if I had gotten in an accident? What if she had flipped over the seat and seriously hurt herself? I shouldn't have been talking about paint colors; I should have been paying attention to my babies. Not my finest moment as a mom. Thank the Lord, no one was hurt, and luckily for me there was no one to witness this moment (well until now.) Had something happened to my precious baby, I can only imagine the reactions. "What kind of mom doesn't buckle her child into the car seat?" "I bet she was on her cell phone." Well, I was on my cell phone. I did make a mistake.
Look, the judgement coming from non-parents is one thing, because let's be honest, when someone without a child shares an opinion on something they would "never" do, I just have to laugh. I used to be one of those judgy non-parents staring at screaming kids in public, and then God gave me Cole. Nothing will break you down and make you realize you have no idea what you are doing like the most strong-willed child in the universe that loves a good public scene. What really bothers me though, is the moms judging other moms. It is hard enough as it is.
I don’t think it has always been like this either. I am pretty sure our moms just did things the way they wanted to do them and didn’t really give a darn about anyone else. I don't think my mom was sitting around wondering if other moms were judging her because she was feeding us Kraft macaroni out of a box (I can still taste that deliciousness, by the way. My poor kids have to eat the Annie's organic stuff.) I also don't think that when a child got hurt, the first reaction was to blame the parent. When I was 10 and jumped out of a tree and hit my head, I can still remember my sweet neighbor running up my driveway to help. She was on a walk and saw the knot on my head and immediately offered to watch my little brother while my parents took me to the ER. There was no, where were the parents? Was her mom even watching her? Instead it was, HOW CAN I HELP?
Unfortunately, times have changed, and social media has brought with it a whole new level of awareness. While it can be a wonderful way for moms to stay connected (I seriously LOVE seeing pictures of my friends' babies), with this new awareness has come some serious judgement and negativity. A friend of mine was recently struggling with quitting breastfeeding because it just wasn't working for her and her baby. She was agonizing and crying many tears over this decision, and it just happened to be breastfeeding awareness month. She said there were only like a million articles talking about the benefits of breastfeeding just mocking her on her newsfeed...as if it wasn't hard enough.
So where does this leave us? We live in a different world today, and we know more and see more, and sadly, there will always be judgmental people. There will be people hiding behind their computer screens with ugly things to say. There will be moms posting articles on the best food to feed your kids and the sunscreen that isn't poisonous (don't even get me started.) So, the question should really be, as moms, what can do for other moms? A few months back, I was leaving Target and Cole was having an epic tantrum, and it was so bad, I could barely load him into the car. Another mom noticed the commotion and walked up to me. She asked how she could help me and said she had been there, told me I was doing a great job staying calm, and then offered to return my cart for me. I will truly never forget her kindness.
I ask you mama friends, what would it look like if as moms we all responded like that? Here is the thing; whether we believe in cryng-it-out or co-sleeping, breastfeeding or formula feeding, organic all the time or Chick-fil-A every day...WE ALL LOVE OUR KIDS AND WE ARE ALL DOING THE VERY BEST WE CAN. We need to stop the judgement. We need to remember we all make mistakes...lots of them. Who knows better than other moms how gosh-darn hard it is. We need to say more, "You are doing a great job" and less, "I would never..." We need more, "I've been there, too" and less "How could she?" I think most importantly, we need to remember to simply ask, "How can I help?" I think that would be a really good place to start.
